This personality questionnaire originating in an English-language confession album caught Marcel Proust’s fancy in his teens. This week, Anne Marsella questions Paul Schmidtberger, author of Design Flaws of the Human Condition.
"Four years ago I had the pleasure of inviting lawyer-turned-novelist Paul Schmidtberger to be a guest speaker at NYU’s Writers in Paris reading series. His novel, Design Flaws of the Human Condition, lives up to the publisher’s puff. It really is riotously funny and I’m hoping he’ll come out with another glorious comedy of manners -- set in the City of Lights.
In between working on just that book perhaps and doing the afternoon shift at The Red Wheelbarrow, Paul set aside a moment to answer the Proust Questionnaire. Merci, cher Paul!"
Proust Questionnaire Paul Schmidtberger
1. When were you happiest?
I think I was happiest one springtime a long time ago. I was living in Japan for a year, and my place had been freezing all winter. I could actually see the snow outside through the cracks in my walls, and I didn’t have any central heat. Not a pleasant way to go through winter.
When springtime finally came, I was just so relieved. I was so happy to ride my bike to work and feel the sunshine on my face again. To throw open all the windows. At the time, I had no idea what I’d do with my life, so for the moment, my principal care – keeping warm – was met, and the rest would just have to wait.
2. What is your principal defect?
My principle defect is my inability to get up when the alarm clock goes off. I let it ring forever. Given how thin the walls in my apartment are, that probably doesn’t make the neighbors very happy.
I probably shouldn’t set the alarm at all since it doesn’t have any influence on when I get out of bed. But I persist in believing that I’ll pop out of bed the next morning full of energy, and the result is a loud, lengthy standoff every morning.
3. What makes you depressed?
Hearing about bookstores closing depresses me. Unfortunately, it’s something you hear a lot of these days. To me, the best hope for humanity is found in the kind of independent bookstore that features creaky, hardwood floors, stacks of books everywhere, and that gorgeous smell of books and potential.
4. What is your favourite word?
My favorite word is “Happy Hour.” I guess that’s two words, but it’s a single concept, and a lovely one at that.
5. What is your most unappealing habit?
The long time lag between the moment I consume food and the moment I do the dishes.
It’s funny, but I suppose I wouldn’t have any bad habits at all if I just had a dishwasher. But apartments in Paris are small, and there simply isn’t any room in my kitchen for a dishwasher. I once called an appliance store and asked them if there was any way of fixing a dishwasher onto the ceiling, but they thought it was a crank call and hung up on me.
6. What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I love eavesdropping. I do it all the time. I especially love pretending to concentrate on something else while I’m really listening in on other people’s conversations.
7. Who are your favourite writers?
Anne Tyler, Anne Tyler, and Anne Tyler. I don’t know what sort of magic she works, but every turn of phrase she writes is perfect. At one point in her most recent novel, she portrays a little kid eating goldfish crackers in a slow, thoughtful manner. She describes him picking crackers from the bag “as if some were better than others,” and I just wanted to stop reading right then and there and send Anne Tyler a thank-you note.
8. What is the worst job you've done?
I worked for a god-awful law firm in France. They were mean, petty, and played spiteful head games with each other. The only time they actually cooperated with one other was when they were ganging up on me.
9. What do you most value in you friends?
Loyalty. Humor. Excellent posture.
10. What gift would you most like to possess?
Forbearance.
11. What is your most treasured possession?
My hot water bottle.
12. If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I think I would have studied linguistics. I’m fascinated by language, and it’s hard to believe that I didn’t think of studying that subject back in college or, say, graduate school. Plus I would’ve made a fine graduate student – I’m good at stuff like stretching budgets, grading papers, and complaining.
13. If you could go back in time, where would you go?
I think I would go to the Roaring 20’s because it all seems so dashing. Also, I like the idea that cars used to have running boards so you could just cling onto the outside if you felt like it. The fact that you’re neither in the car, nor left behind, appeals to wishy-washy people like me.
14. What is your greatest fear?
My greatest irrational fear is being eaten by a shark. That rarely happens to people, so it’s probably not worth worrying about.
My greatest real fear is finding myself on a plane sitting behind a bickering couple, in front of a kicking toddler, and in between two chatty people with wheezy colds. Regular air travel, in other words.
15. What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Always back up your computer!
Paul Schmidtberger graduated from Yale College with a degree in East Asian Studies (Japanese), and then went to Stanford Law School. DESIGN FLAWS OF THE HUMAN CONDITION is his first novel.
Anne Marsella has been living in Paris for some twenty years. She is the author of four books: The Baby of Belleville, Remedy, Patsy Boone and The Lost and Found and Other Stories. Her work has appeared in numerous publications and anthologies both in the US and in France. She is the recipient of a Pushcart Prize nomination, the Elmer Holmes Bobst Award (New York University Press) and several residency fellowships. Her novel, Patsy Boone, was written directly in French and published by Editions de la Différence. Having taught literature and creative writing at the American University of Paris and associate directed New York University’s Writers in Paris program, she currently directs the Wells College Arts in Paris program
